For What it's Worth

Boy it's been a while. So much has happened...Where to begin...

So back in June I went into the hospital. I had started a new job and the first and second day, my left leg was swelling. Now, I've had swelling for years. Twelve to be exact, due to pregnancy-related sciatica. But that second day (it was a Tuesday), something was different

You see, a year and a half ago my sister went into the hospital. She had severe swelling and discoloration of her left leg. Turned out, she had several blood clots in her leg, groin, and lower back. It was bad. Really bad. But she pulled through. Then my aunt died, suddenly, of aneurysms. It was maybe a month later? And then my mom was life-flighted to Cleveland Clinic with a blood clot in her artery next to her heart. All within a 6 month period. I knew things were bad and something was wrong, but no one, not even the doctors had any idea. So when things calmed down and my mom was finally released to go home, I started my preventative therapy. I went to the doc and had my clot time checked, my antiphospholipid proteins, T4, D-dimer, full CBC, and hormone levels checked. All came out fine.

Then June hit. Damn you June. Almost a year later and I was the one now in the emergency room with swelling AND redness. I never had the weird redness before. And it wasn't like...red... It was like...strangulation. If crayola made a horror line, this color would be 'Strangulation'. So I went to the hospital at 7:30pm, expecting to be told it was just sciatica and I needed to stretch, or worst-case-scenario it was an infected lymph node. They hooked me up to an IV line "just in case" and sent me off for an ultra-sound. I'm pretty cool. I can talk it up like the coolest of cats when I need to. I get nervous easily, but I'm used to it, so I can usually cover it up. Once the tech got a feel for the person she thought I was, she told me "you do have a blood clot by the way...and I'm not supposed to tell you that". I nearly cried. Held back a panic attack and a flood of tears. Here I was, the youngest of the 3 of us and not expected to succumb to such a fate...and yet, here I was. And I felt so alone. My husband was in the process of moving out (finally giving him the divorce he asked for over the past 8 years), I was going out, having friends, laughing...ME...laughing!! And my son...what would come of my beautiful son... So she wheeled me back to the er observation room where a friend was waiting for me. I couldn't look at him. I thought "this is it...this is where it ends. No guy wants someone THIS broken...medical issues?? Nope..." So I held back and waited for the doctor, just staring at the ceiling. The doc came in and told us both the news and I started to break...but just a little. And then I saw something I'd never seen before. I saw HIM start to break. Could it be? Is it possible someone actually cares about me? I suddenly felt like I needed to be the one consoling, not the one in the bed. I don't like spotlights...I don't like the attention, the finger pointing, the feeling of being "on display". But what could I do. I was admitted that night.

To add insult to ... well, medical issue, I'm still married. Not with him at all, but not yet divorced. When I texted him the news, that I was admitted and I had a blood clot, the response was "Okay. Do you know where my social security card is?" Not kidding. Still have the text. I had people visit me at 11pm that night that I've known for less than a year. He and I were together for 8 years and he didn't come to the hospital until I happened to talk to his mom, who was unaware on day 4 of my 6 day hospital stay that I was even in the hospital. His excuse you ask? Well, "I don't know what hospital you're in". There's one hospital in our town. And he had his tonsils out there not even a year before all this. Come on. Really?

So...let's progress. He moved out while I was still in the hospital, I came home and had to try to pack everything, still being limited because of my new "death glob". Blood thinners suck by the way. I'll never buy rat poison again. I'll just buy a snake... I got a great place 2 blocks from where I was before and, because of this new friendship, I had a LOT of help moving, which I desperately needed. Things went well, and my mom even came out from Ohio to help. We had a great time.

So things go normal for a while. Months actually. The friend who was kind enough to offer support at the hospital decided to stay as I was told I shouldn't be alone and a 7 year old child doesn't count as someone to rely on for help. I wish we had discussed it, but it was nice to have help. New guy knows of my family's past, but hadn't had to experience any of it. Until, sadly, recently. I wrote a while ago about how the wind here in Colorado makes me crazy. It sends me to a chaotic mess of a place that I long to destroy in my past. You can find it here, when I talk about this wind and touch on the things that make it so terrible. I got a call from my sister one night. She tells me that our mother stayed with her the night before because our step-father, who has abused her for the better part of the past 20 years, got angry with her after they had an evening out drinking, came home and fired one of his pistols IN THEIR HOUSE, in the BEDROOM. My mom went to my sister's house...but only for an hour or so, then WENT BACK TO HIM! He held the gun to her throat, threatened to kill her...again...and pushed her down the stairs as she left again for my sister's house where she remained until the following night. Did anyone call the police? Nope. My sister says "It's not my place. Mom had it under control." Not sure where the uncle was that both of them talked to...and I'm certain they didn't call me because they knew I'd do something. So I didn't find out until a day later. When I talked to my mom, I told her enough is enough. I was done with him. I'd seen him do things to her that I wouldn't put in the theaters in a movie. It's the reason I don't like horror. Abuse is not entertainment. Ever. So when I told her I was done with him, she said she wished I'd give him a chance, that he was going to go to a psychologist. I said "He should be in jail". I have a young son. I refuse to let this insignificant bully become any kind of influence in his life. So, the next night, I decided to do something about it. I panicked. I had fear in my heart, fear that it wouldn't stop, fear that no one knew who could do anything about it, fear that he went so far as to hold the gun to her throat this time AND shot it into the walls of their bedroom, what was to stop him from pulling the trigger again. So I, with the back-up of new guy and liquid confidence, called her, halfway to the airport, and said "I'm on my way. You tell me now if you don't want out of this, and we're done." And she told me, "Go home. I'm fine.". I gave her a few choice words and demanded he be put on the phone. Gave him an ear full, drove back home, and panicked some more.

So I call again, calling him everything I've been afraid to call him over the 2 decades I've watched him destroy half of my family. Told him I was done with him. His response? "You're a drunk, a troublemaker, a liar, and a little bitch". He also told me "I will kill your mother. And there's nothing you can do about it. Then I'm coming for you. And your little family". So...I called the police. They went to his house, took his statement, my mom's statement, my sister's statement, my sister's husband's statement...and his guns. He has to attend anger-management classes...slap on the wrist, but at least it's documented. And if he does it again, I will own the police department for not doing more. And if he threatens my family again... I am in the process of filing an order of protection, which is a lot harder across state lines when you're not in the relationship with the crazed lunatic.

I haven't spoken to my mother in almost a week now. I'm not ready. How could she do this yet again, stand up for him yet again, and allow it to progress this far? I'm disappointed, ashamed, embarrassed, and still scared, but this time just for her. I have cut the ties that needed to be cut 20 years ago. By constantly being asked to keep it quiet, to not say anything, to continue to let this man into my life, she made me a victim of the violence and abuse as well. And I let it happen. Out of fear. Well, fear no more. She had a choice, she had a place to go, and she chose not. So let it be. But he won't scare me anymore. He won't control me anymore. And he will NEVER have anything to do with my son. That's what a real mom does. She protects her kids, not the bad guys.

So, from here on out, it's all good news. I am free of a burden that I've kept secret for far too long. I am free from anxiety and stress related to the thoughts of people a thousand miles away. This is my life. And I'm living it. For me. For my son. And it's smooth sailing. I feel, for the first time, like I'm unchained. Unbound. Uncensored. I have nothing to be ashamed of... They do.

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