Where's My Money?

I hate this time of year. It's when I usually start my Christmas shopping (yes, I'm that girl) so that I can get little bits over time instead of taking out a second mortgage on December 21st to BUY ALL THE THINGS!. And every year in October I get to revisit the student loans I haven't made a dent on because I just don't have an extra $900 laying around collecting dust each month. I know someone out there thinks I'm just rolling in money (think Scrooge McDuck in his money vault), but that's just not the case. I try to budget, I put off stupid meaningless purchases when I know I need to save, I make my own coffee instead of making a daily trip to Ziggi's for a $5 mocha, and I like to re-purpose old furniture. But school clothes and shoes are expensive. After school programs are expensive. Insurance is expensive. I have a car payment because my 13 year old truck was expensive to maintain. I'm doing ok, and I know this, but it still stresses me out. I know it will work out and I'll get right back to being myself soon enough, but right now I want to run and hide. Stay under the covers so the statements can't see me. And if I can't see them, they don't exist...right?

I recently started a new job. I had been at a chiropractor's office for 2 years, but my now-former co-worker ruined that for me because I didn't want to go to lunch with her one day. I took a lower paying job to make due, which hurt quite a bit for the almost 3 months I was there, until I found this one. Now I'm exactly where I was when I worked at the chiropractor's office, financially speaking, less the $900 or so I lost in the time I worked at the lower paying job. The pay is fine, but I should be making more at this stage in my life. I have a very expensive degree that I don't get to utilize because they don't tell you when you go to school for Graphic Design that you need 5 years of experience just to be considered for a junior designer position...Without unpaid internships and hours that don't work with being a single parent, that just isn't an option. I wish there was a way to trade it in or just return the degree and work something out with the student loans. "I promise to never list my college education on any resume or attempt to use it to my advantage, in exchange for eliminating my student loans". I'd even go back to school for something I WANT to do. But alas...this is the hand I was dealt and it's no one's fault but my own.

I am branching out though. I have a ton of stuff in my house that's just stuff, sitting around not being used. Since starting this new relationship, I have, for the first time ever, had this feeling of freedom and letting go. I want all the things gone that I've been hanging on to for the many years because it was all I felt I had, all that defined me and proved that I had a house and a life at some point. Turns out I don't need all the things when I have someone who makes me feel whole just being with me. So maybe getting rid of some of the stuff will help. I also put myself out there for interior decorating again as I did that a lot when I lived in Atlanta, and I'm pretty darn good at it. I like to keep busy and I like making changes. This feels good. And I wish to no end that I could take my son out of school and teach him myself. He's having a little trouble for the first time ever with math, and we just don't get the time together to go over it like we did before. I work longer hours, we go to bed early because we get up early, and we try to make the most of the evenings, but some days there's just not enough time. If I could just win the lottery...

So there it is...and there goes my money. One of these days, I'm gonna make it big. Maybe I'll finally finish one of the many books I started...

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