I Forgive You.
I'm learning more and more about myself as I get older. I'm learning to calm down, relax, and not take things so personally. I'm also trying to remember that I can't please everyone. I can't count the number of times I've ended up in a mentally exhausting emotional fit from trying to be everything to everyone and always falling short somewhere in the middle. I am who I am and other people have to accept that just as much as I do.
One of my commonly repeated phrases is "You can only hold people accountable for what they say, not what you think they think". If someone tells me I did something right, that's all I have. I can't sit by and stress over what they actually meant by it, if they expect more, if I really did the wrong thing and they're just being nice, or secretly laughing behind my back...it's exhausting just explaining it, let alone living it. Forgiveness is key. Forgetting is another story.
I had a family member who was notorious for cutting me out when she got upset. I could understand if I stole her wallet, killed her dog, or wrecked the car. But it was always over the stupidest things...like tupperware. Not kidding. The first time I remember being given the silent treatment from her was when I was about 12 years old or so...maybe a little younger. I was playing with the lock on the restroom door at a Bob Evan's, harassing my sister the way we always did. The next time was because I didn't make a salad, another time because I didn't have the Christmas tree decorated when she got home from work, and eventually when I picked up tupperware and, since I had to work the next day, I left shortly after and found out later I was expected to stay longer and "hang out". I can't read minds. If I could, I promise I'd have a lot more money...and she'd still be mad at me.
I lost 6 years with my dad because of all this. That last bit, about the tupperware, caused a rift so great that she forbid my dad to speak to me, making it so we had to have a sort of secret affair where I'd call my grandma when I wanted to talk to him, she would get him the message, and call me back when he could. It was too much song and dance, and as a result, I stopped trying. He missed the birth of my first child, my first marriage, and my fall as I divorced shortly after. By this time I had moved away from home in Ohio to Atlanta. Then, one day, after I met the new man in my life and was pregnant, I got a call from my dad telling me he had cancer and was about to have surgery. He felt I needed to know as it was kind of a big deal. I was angry. I couldn't accept that the first time I was to hear from him after all this time was to tell me about his upcoming surgery to a situation that could kill him, and I had no time adjust and let it sink in. When I was in high school, this man had been my best friend. I ditched my friends to hang out with him, watch USA's Up All Night, or just go to The Donut Shop to have coffee and bullshit about cars. Now, I was hearing something so personal in the way an acquaintance would be told. I expressed this anger freely, telling him what I thought of this phone call and how it made me feel. I cried for 3 days. Then I called him back. Told him I was sorry for focusing on the wrong thing and letting him know I was concerned and would appreciate a call when he's out of surgery. Surgery went well with just a few issues, and I made a plan to visit in the coming months.
The story goes on and on, but in the end we re-established a relationship, though it will never be as it once was. I take it all with a grain of salt and have made it clear that there will never be another secret affair between us, that if she decides I'm not worthy of speaking to, he has a choice. I won't fight to keep people around that don't want to be around anymore. I forgive you. But I don't want anything to do with you.
One of my commonly repeated phrases is "You can only hold people accountable for what they say, not what you think they think". If someone tells me I did something right, that's all I have. I can't sit by and stress over what they actually meant by it, if they expect more, if I really did the wrong thing and they're just being nice, or secretly laughing behind my back...it's exhausting just explaining it, let alone living it. Forgiveness is key. Forgetting is another story.
I had a family member who was notorious for cutting me out when she got upset. I could understand if I stole her wallet, killed her dog, or wrecked the car. But it was always over the stupidest things...like tupperware. Not kidding. The first time I remember being given the silent treatment from her was when I was about 12 years old or so...maybe a little younger. I was playing with the lock on the restroom door at a Bob Evan's, harassing my sister the way we always did. The next time was because I didn't make a salad, another time because I didn't have the Christmas tree decorated when she got home from work, and eventually when I picked up tupperware and, since I had to work the next day, I left shortly after and found out later I was expected to stay longer and "hang out". I can't read minds. If I could, I promise I'd have a lot more money...and she'd still be mad at me.
I lost 6 years with my dad because of all this. That last bit, about the tupperware, caused a rift so great that she forbid my dad to speak to me, making it so we had to have a sort of secret affair where I'd call my grandma when I wanted to talk to him, she would get him the message, and call me back when he could. It was too much song and dance, and as a result, I stopped trying. He missed the birth of my first child, my first marriage, and my fall as I divorced shortly after. By this time I had moved away from home in Ohio to Atlanta. Then, one day, after I met the new man in my life and was pregnant, I got a call from my dad telling me he had cancer and was about to have surgery. He felt I needed to know as it was kind of a big deal. I was angry. I couldn't accept that the first time I was to hear from him after all this time was to tell me about his upcoming surgery to a situation that could kill him, and I had no time adjust and let it sink in. When I was in high school, this man had been my best friend. I ditched my friends to hang out with him, watch USA's Up All Night, or just go to The Donut Shop to have coffee and bullshit about cars. Now, I was hearing something so personal in the way an acquaintance would be told. I expressed this anger freely, telling him what I thought of this phone call and how it made me feel. I cried for 3 days. Then I called him back. Told him I was sorry for focusing on the wrong thing and letting him know I was concerned and would appreciate a call when he's out of surgery. Surgery went well with just a few issues, and I made a plan to visit in the coming months.
The story goes on and on, but in the end we re-established a relationship, though it will never be as it once was. I take it all with a grain of salt and have made it clear that there will never be another secret affair between us, that if she decides I'm not worthy of speaking to, he has a choice. I won't fight to keep people around that don't want to be around anymore. I forgive you. But I don't want anything to do with you.
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