You Make Me Completely Miserable

I talked to my mom today for the first time since "the incident". Turns out I'm not so wrong. I hate that I hurt my mom. I don't actually like to hurt people's feelings, as good as I may be at it. If it happens, and I don't already like you, it's kind of like a life bonus. But when you're my mom, it sucks. But she needed to know that the only, and I do mean ONLY person, on her side was tired of being the flag-waving advocate for jack-shit, and it really hit home this time. Now it's time for her to see that there can be life without him. There can be a life of happiness and fun, without fear of saying something, doing anything, or breathing. I'm loving this new position, without loving what it's doing to her. I suppose you have to be in the position to understand what abuse does to a person to appreciate the "power trip" you get when you finally take the reigns back and say NO. It's not a gloating high...it's more of a take-back-what-was-rightfully-human kind of thing... I dunno. I just know I'm glad to be where I am.



I've felt a lot better. And after reflecting on a night of too much to drink and still calling out those who needed to be called out, the only regret I walk away with is the regret that I didn't say something sooner. So many people have turned a blind eye to all this and it makes me really realize who is family, who's there just when things are good, and who's not there at all for anything. I know now that all that I have to rely on is right here, with me in Colorado. This is the family I take and accept and that accepts me and loves me for who I am, where I came from, and who I might have been in the past...not who I am yet to be.

Today was awesome...aside from the fact that we went to a Barnes and Noble to find books and were left with a hardcore feeling of longing. If I wanted poorly written opinions on gluten-free cooking or anything by Stephen King I would have been set for life. But alas...I wanted substance. So I'm left with Amazon.com. *sigh* Oh well. At least we tried...and experienced something outside the small city we live in. We did get 2 Christmas gifts ;). Less than 90 days!! Yep. I'm that girl. Oh, and Kelly...watch out. I've found some funness. :D

So tomorrow is Sunday and we're going to hang out and maybe sing a little. We'll see. Maybe I'll get my guitar out and stretch her strings. She needs and deserves it.

Love you all. Please remember: you are always as strong as your closest advocates. Never feel alone.